Turtle Instincts

I usually don't mind running into people who I have not seen in a long time. If I am out and I see them I wave or walk over and say hi. I like being able to talk to them and hear how they have been and tell them how I have been. You know the small talk that actually means something. I like saying "it was good to see you" and have it be true.

But running into people who I do not like or do not want to talk to is an entirely different situation. If I don't like someone (and I like everyone) usually the feeling is mutual. So what is the point of the small talk? When I am out in public and I see someone I have no interest in saying hello to I have several tactics to avoid the awkward " Hello".

For example, I walk the other way or bury my nose in a dinner menu or one of the books that is on sale at Barnes and Noble or I pretend to be very interested in the "knitting brings the family together" flyer that some lady handed me at Michael's. When I see that the coast is clear I sigh relief and go about my day.

However Monday that little strategy of mine was not so easy. Because it happened at work.

I was sitting in the lobby reading The Hollywood Reporter when she walked in. We worked together at the beginning of the year and she was one of the rudest co-workers I have ever had. Her awful attitude combined with the fact that she was one of the people involved in the decision to have me no longer be with that company is just the icing on the cake of reasons why I never want to say hello to her.

So there I was in the lobby eating a pear and reading a magazine. I saw her walking up the steps to the entrance of the office. That can't be her I thought, what does she need from here? She opened the door and started to walk in. Fuck. Where was I supposed to go? Where was my menu to hide behind? Where was my book marked 10% off to stick my nose in? The magazine was not big enough to hide behind. So I did want any brave woman would do. I jumped up threw the magazine on the chair and ran to the nearest place I could hide. Sadly the only place I could get to fast enough was the supply room. Without hesitation I opened the door and ran in.

My heart was pounding. There I was standing by the labor laws posters and boxes of toner hiding from someone. How old am I? I know I was being silly. But it was Monday and I left my cahones at home. I realized how foolish I was being. She is just some brat I worked with. She's not a monster.

I should go out there and be a grown up and show her that I have no hard feelings. I would say hello to her and I would tell her that I have been fantastic since I stopped working at that crappy excuse for a catering company and if she asked I would say why yes I have lost 17 pounds. Stop stop, please, I am blushing, there is no need to tell me I look fab cause I already know and I would laugh at how, isn't it funny that she and everyone else there thought I was wasting my vote by choosing Obama over Hillary. Look who's laughing now. Oh look at the time, Gotta clock in, Peace Out beyotch.

But I opted to stay hidden. I was not going to waste my energy trying to prove to her that I was better off or that I was more fabulous than she last saw me. Because the only person that it matters to is me. And I already know all of those things are true. And she wouldn't even care. So what would it matter if I told her? Then I had a thought, if it doesn't matter, why was I so worried about seeing her? Then I realized.

I realized while standing (hiding) there that my not wanting to say hello to her was more me not wanting to be reminded of all bad things she, and everyone else there, made me feel. I was hiding from the feelings that were brought back upon my seeing her more than I was hiding from her because I dislike her.

I made up my mind to go back to what I was doing. I walked back to the lobby and continued to read the Hollywood Reporter and finished my pear. She made me feel badly once. I was not going to let her do it again. And I was not go to spend my entire lunch hiding in the supply room because of her. I have already given too much energy than needed. End of story. Moving on.

I was ready. If I saw her I would be friendly. I wouldn't try to prove anything. There is nothing to prove. I would not try to act as if I am so happy to see her. I would just smile and say hello. And be the better person.

As I sat, I saw her coming towards the door. She looked towards me but didn't say anything and started reading some paperwork. I am not sure if she recognized me or not or if maybe reading paperwork was her tactic for not saying hello to me.

Touche.