Bring to boil, stir in S**t, let stand.

There are times when I really truly know who I am right down to my every cell. Then there are other times, like the other night, when I get myself into a situation and I hear myself say something or agree to things that are so far from me that it makes me feel as though I don't know who I am at all.

Why is it that we allow people to make us feel like they know who we are better then we do?

The other night I went out with some "acquaintances". To be honest, I was really looking forward to it when I was invited. You can never have too many friends and I was happy about having the opportunity of getting to know these people better. But it was not as fun as I hoped it would be. Instead of an evening dishing work cheese, make-up tips, LOST theories and stories of where/how we met our significant others, it quickly turned into something ugly. Something that I didn't sign up for when I excepted the invitation.

I would say it turned into a mini intervention because that's how caught of guard I felt, but even that is too weak an analogy. They didn't want to have drinks with me to become my friend, they wanted to have drinks because they wanted something from me. They need dirty work done and apparently I am the best person for the job.

In a nut shell, they have an issue with someone we all know and tried to make their issues with that person my issues. Which, for a while I was agreeing with. I nodded my head when they said things like "so n so is mean to you." and "You are so much better than (fill in the blank)"and "You need to stand up to so n so and do something about it" and "don't you see how poor this situation is?"

"Something has to be done" they said again and again. I was the only one who could do it. Like they wanted me to slay a dragon or something.

I nodded and told them I agreed and I would help. Something in me twinged. But I just shrugged it off. Even though, the words sounded wrong coming out of me, I finished saying them. When my ears heard what I said I got an even bigger twinge, it was like Huh? That's not what I think. Who said that? I might as well have said "oh wow I just love mud wrestling. it's totally my fave."

At the time I didn't think anything of what they had said to me or the way it was brought up. They were so nice and kept telling me how they have my back and care about me. But when I replayed the conversation again in my head on the way home there was something about it that didn't sit quite right. Something in me felt off.

And I realized that I had just been used.

I replayed the conversation in my head over and over. And had many moments of regret from things I agreed with and in truth don't agree with at all. There was one thing I did happen to agree with but not as strongly as they do. But even so I shouldn't have said anything.

They convinced me that their issues were my issues. That I have a problem that needs to be fixed, that I need to be less passive, that I need to stand up for myself. When really, THEY have the issues, not me.

When I have a problem I fix it. When I feel walked on I speak. I am not passive, I am an adult. They need to fix their own shit and not involve me. But yet in that moment I forgot that I know all of that.

Why is it that I know all of these things about me, but yet when I was in a situation where I needed to be myself the most, I just sipped my cocktail and agreed to the farcicality of everything? I sat there thinking that these people have my best interest at heart. What they are saying must be true. So I listened and I let them make me believe I was something I am not. Which just infuriates me.

Lord help me if I ever get kidnapped by a cult.