If I could turn back time (And damn you Cher for ruining that phrase for anyone who ever wants to use it) I still don't think I would change anything. Well, I guess maybe I would have been more diplomatic, something I fail miserably at when I feel attacked or provoked. Or when words and judgments thrown about that are a bit too personal for my liking.
Maybe I was the foolish one. Maybe I am just as guilty of bad behavior. Maybe the other is sitting around feeling just as rotten as I. A thought that makes me very sorry. But whats done is done. And once something is there is no way of making it not. There is no fixing or changing or any making it better. It's broken and that's all there is to it.
I realize though that the mean one in this situation isn't my antagonizer, it's me. And the person I owe the biggest apology to is myself. I let me down today. I broke a promise to me. I put someone else, something else, as number one and let myself fall away. I let it take over my thoughts and my ideas, I gave it a permanent residency in my heart, I gave it the keys to the door all my worries and insecurities hid behind and I let it live there. Shame on them for acting like they did? Shame on them for saying the things they did? No. But shame on me for letting it happen and shame on me for saying it was okay.
When forced to stay in a situation that is beyond repair the only way to fix it is to put it to rest, to end it and move on. Otherwise it becomes toxic. And once that happens all hope for anything better is lost.
A bit dramatic maybe but it's the truth.
So now what? Is there an open road with smooth sailing? Is there a dark, scary, and bumpy trail with monsters hiding behind trees? Is there something completely irresponsible, stupid, and a total waste of time? Or is it the moment I have been meant to cease all along? I have no idea. But I should find out.
It's my door to open and it's time to see what is on the other side.
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