I Wanna Stay Home

I have this song by Jellyfish called " I wanna stay home" stuck in my head. I love that song. Matty hates it. Hooray for earphones!

It has been so long since I have posted that I don't even know if anybody reads this anymore. Not that it even matters. I just haven't had anything to say. Not that my life is so boring and woe is me because nothing is exciting blah blah blah. Actually life is pretty good. But I don't even have anything to say about that.

So why bother posting? I guess I am just bored. And it's Sunday night. And I really really do not want to work tomorrow. And I am not really doing anything else. Dinner has been made and cleaned up. The dishes are done ("the dishes are done man!" movie reference anybody?) Laundry is folded and put away. The pup has been walked and fed. I am just sitting around. Why not post about how I am doing nothing but super happy about it?

I feel good about stuff. I am looking forward to things. I have a positive outlook. Things are good. But I am scared to completely give in to the hippy-dippy-feelin'-groovy-can-you-dig-it-baby mind set. You know so much s**t happened in the last seven months I am hesitant to let out the sigh of relief that maybe the storm has passed or the psycho stalker is dead. Cause if you have seen as many movies as I have, we all know that it never has passed and he never is really dead. If it were that easy there would never be any sequels.

Between a miscarriage in June, a front door step armed robbery in September, the death of a sister-in-law in January and a super sick grandma all in less than a year; I am confident when I say that it's been too much. I sort of just got beaten down after a while. And I didn't really care about anything anymore. But for the first time in a while, I am starting to feel a little better. I feel like things are in order again. And that scares the crap out of me.

I guess because things were so crazy for so long and it felt like there was no end in sight. Now it appears (knock wood spit spit spit) that things have calmed down a bit. And I can breath easy. But my guard is still way up there. And to be totally honest, my arms are tired from holding it up for so long. I am ready to put it down, but I still can't. Even though my arms are about to give out cause I can't hold it up much longer.

I wish I could just stay right here. Snuggled up on the couch with my Matty B, the pup and family guy on the DVR. Forever. It's nice here and I am so very happy. But I know I have to keep on keepin' on as the Brady Bunch would say (not that I would really take any sage advise from them of all people ). I know that even though I am happy now, something can still happen that will throw me. But that's all part of my life. It's a part of every one's lives. And even though things or events might occur that will upset me or that I don't like, I still have to show up for my life. I can't stay on the couch forever.

I guess that's all I or anyone can do, show up for life with an open mind and an open heart and hope for the best.

Love you kids!